Career Day!
by TheSilverback
Summary: Several guests discuss their careers for the students. Some of these guests are parents of the girls. Yes, I wrote one more chapter, only this one is totally crazy. A very special guest comes to visit!
1. A Surprise Make Up Test

_**Career Day! **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.**_

_**Author's Notes:**_ I am just writing this story to take a little break in between chapters of my other main project. I got this idea a couple weeks back and it has just kept growing. Fear not, I shall be back on track with the other story soon, I just needed to change gears for a bit.

This is a piece of lighthearted insanity that has nothing to do with the events in my story _Is This Love That I'm Feeling?_ Well, they are both Azumanga Daioh, but you know what I mean. Currently, I plan this to be about two chapters long, perhaps three, but I could add on additional short story arcs later if I get bored.

_**Warnings:**_ A little swearing, Ohyama is a jerk because he turns everything anyone says into something dirty, and any shoujo-ai-ness is just here for comedy, as this in not a romance story.

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_**Chapter One - A Surprise Make Up Test**_

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Yukari was late to class again today. She was more than late. In fact the chimes had sounded almost half an hour ago and she was still nowhere around. The students were doing pretty much anything they wanted. Several kids were looking out the window; others were sitting and chatting with their friends. Three boys were drawing their favorite anime warriors on the chalk board, preparing for the ultimate battle.

Chihiro and her best friend, a lovely girl with two long black braids, were bored out of their minds. Chihiro had opened up her purse and dumped the contents onto her desk.

"What are you looking for?" asked the Braid Maiden.

"Anything even remotely entertaining. Want some gum?" Chihiro responded while offering up a little box of chewing gum squares.

"No thanks. Here," she replied, pouring out her purse onto the desk as well.

Chihiro brightened up with this new treasure trove unveiled. "Hey, you've got some makeup in here! What for?"

"Oh, I had to go over to my grandmother's house last weekend. It was this big family deal. Anyhow, she bought all this for me. I just forgot to put it away at home. It's not like I'll ever get much chance to use it."

"Well you do now. Pucker up, baby, cuz you are getting some lipstick!" Chihiro grinned while opening up the tube of light pink lipstick and giving it a twist.

This attracted the attention of a few of the other girls sitting near them, namely Chiyo Mihama and Koyomi Mizuhara. Also several other girls came over for whom I don't plan to invent names. Pretty Yet Nameless Girls one through six, in case you really care. Heh, I'll just say PYNG-1 or PYNG-2 if it ever comes up.

Within five minutes, lipstick, blush and mascara were making their marks on the braided friend of Chihiro, and generally the consensus of the observing girls was... Chihiro had no idea how to put on makeup. Oddly, this makeup disaster attracted even more attention from some of the other girls in the class who wanted to either give their advice or just sit on the sidelines and watch. Kagura and Tomo joined in the observations along with a bunch of other PYNGs.

Several girls opened up their bags and began their own personal make-up work. Stuff that they carried but would not normally wear in class. Boredom is a powerful motivator. Besides, once you see the first lemming run over the cliff, you just gotta follow.

"No, no. Yer doin' that all wrong," came a disapproving voice from behind them. Chihiro and the others turned to see who was voicing their dissent and were surprised to see it was... Osaka.

"Ayumu Kasuga?!" Chihiro snorted. "What on earth do _you_ know about make-up, of all people?"

"More than you, it would seem. Watch what yer doin! Yer gonna poke her eye out like that! And ya don't put on the mascara until the eyeliner is done, otherwise ya clump the eyelashes and ya gotta do 'em over."

The Braid Maiden, Tomo, Kagura and several PYNGs all said, "Ohhh" simultaneously.

Chihiro admitted her errors and said, "Well, could you do better? You want to fix it?"

Osaka looked at the girls face and shook her head. "Not unless she wants to go wash all this stuff off, then I will."

Kagura jumped forward, "Oh! Do me! Do me first!"

(Across the room, Ohyama said to a buddy of his, "That was exactly what she said in my dream last night.")

Ayumu looked at Kagura, then at the assortment of makeup. She pinched her lips together and slowly shook her head. "Ummm, I'm sorry Kagura. These colors are all wrong for you. You have such a pretty tan, these wouldn't be no good. You need a little bit redder lipstick and a darker blush, otherwise you'd end up with odd pale lookin' cheeks and your lips would be invisible. Unless yer one of those tan girls that wants ta wear white-ish lipstick. But we don't have none of that here neither."

Tomo said, "Oh wow Osaka, you almost sound like you're not completely stupid! That's amazing!"

Osaka rubbed her forehead with her middle finger, "Yeah, well I do remember some things sometime."

Chiyo-chan asked, "How did you learn about makeup?"

"Oh, my mom let's me practice some times. She has got a huge make-up kit. All kinds of brushes and colors and pretty lipsticks. It's like a whole shop."

"Wow," said Yomi, "That's huge!"

(Across the room, Ohyama said to a buddy of his, "That was exactly what she said in my dream last night.")

Chiyo-chan gazed up at her friend, "So, will you put make-up on me? I've never worn any make-up before, although my mom once bought me a berry flavored Chap Stick. Oh! And this one time my friend and I both ate blue popsicles and it made our lips and tongue all blue!"

Osaka nodded. "I get that all time too. But I don't think it would look right with a lot of make up on ya, Chiyo-chan. Besides, these colors are good for her," she said pointing at the Braid Maiden, "and I suppose..." she looked around the room, "they would look good on..." she spotted a girl sitting by herself, "Sakaki."

All eyes turned to the one lone girl still sitting by the window, gazing out at the empty school yard. A sudden migration of female students began as the conversation moved itself across the classroom to surround the tall beauty.

At first, Sakaki didn't even notice that anything had changed. She did seem a bit surprised to notice so many people on this side of the classroom, but when it became clear that _**SHE**_ was the center of the attention of every girl in class 3-3, she took on the desperate look of a trapped animal.

"Wh-wh-what's going on here?" she asked, clutching at the sides of her desk.

"Yo! Sakaki!" Tomo yelled out. "You are going to be the experimental subject of Osaka's face-painting contest! Just sit down and relax!" she said with an evil chuckle, rubbing her hands together.

The tall girl grabbed up her bookbag and made ready to run for the classroom door, but it seemed she would have to mow down quite a few girls between here and there. Nervous perspiration broke out on her forehead.

Yomi spoke up, "Sakaki, don't let that moron Tomo get you upset. We are just talking about some make-up. And Osaka... well, she really seems to know what she is talking about."

Sakaki shook her head emphatically, her long gorgeous locks of hair tumbling and swaying behind her. "No. No, I don't think so."

Osaka said, "It's ok Sakaki. It's not much. Just a little bit of make-up for some highlights. That's all."

Chihiro stepped forward, pulling her friend with her, who by now looked like some braided reject from the insane clown school of bad makeup. "We were just practicing a few things and Osaka said she wanted to try too."

Sakaki's ass thumped up against the window as she tried to back up further but had nowhere to go. "No, really, thanks a lot but..."

Osaka cast her gaze to the ground and spoke slowly. "That's ok, Sakaki-san. I understand. You gots no reason to trust me. I know... I know I wouldn't never do nothing bad to you on purpose, but... I understand."

The silence that filled the room was deafening as Osaka turned away and headed back to her desk. The roomful of girls watched her go and then turned their gaze back on Sakaki. She swallowed hard. _I... I have nothing to feel guilty for... _she thought.

Chiyo said, "Miss Sakaki? Are you sure you wouldn't let Miss Osaka put just a little make-up on you? You know that you can wash it off if you don't like it. I think you would have fun. It would be cute."

_Cute? Chi- Chiyo-chan thinks it would be cute?!_ She felt her will dissolve completely under the power of Chiyo's happy smile.

"Ummm, ok. But just a little. And nothing that goes near my eyes. Ok?"

A cheer went up from the girls as they congratulated Sakaki on her bravery (suddenly able to admit that the prospect of Osaka wielding make-up might actually turn out to be a scary experience). Chiyo gave Sakaki a thank-you hug as she sat in her chair once more, slowly releasing the death grip she had on her book bag. Although... the dash to the door could still be possible...

However, it seemed that Osaka had already drifted off to sleep at her desk, despite the commotion. Once Yomi woke her up, she wasn't even sure what they wanted or what Sakaki had to do with any of it. It didn't take too long to remind her of the task at hand and she came back over to the desks by the window.

Osaka took a look at Sakaki's face and said, "Ok. Chihiro, if you could bring me that stuff you was working with, let's see what we can do."

Sakaki said nervously, "Allright. I'll... I'll do it, but just try not to get too much of that gunk all over my face. Promise?"

(Across the room, Ohyama said to a buddy of his, "That was exactly what she said in my dream last night.")

Ayumu smiled, "Don't worry about it. Here, you can hold on ta my handkerchief. If ya don't like it, we can stop and take it off at any time."

The circle of girls closed in as Osaka began whisking at the light powder in a flat box with a large brush. She looked at Sakaki's face closely as she began. "You don't normally use much make-up, do you?"

Sakaki blushed and stammered, "What? Why? Does something look wrong, or did I-?"

"No, no," Osaka interrupted. "I just meant your skin is so smooth and clear. You have a clean and fresh look to your skin," she smiled. Several of the girls around her, including those that Sakaki considered her best friends, nodded in agreement.

The boys in the class at first were interested, simply because it was Sakaki. However they couldn't see much from a distance and none of them wanted to get any closer. Eventually they began comparing it to a surgery, as Osaka held out her hand for tweezers and a girl beside her would slap a pair into her hand. Then Osaka had some long pointy black thing going across the top of Sakaki's eye and the boys cringed back in horror. The various implements of surgery or implements of doom looked quite menacing and most of the guys went back to reading Manga, orchestrating the final battle for Earth on the black board, or simply watching a class full of pretty girls bending over to see Sakaki who was lost in the middle of the huddle.

Eventually, Osaka said she was done. "There isn't much more really to do, even if I had all of my mom's stuff. I think ya look good. Of course, I thought you looked good when we started too."

There was a collective sigh from the girls in the class. Sakaki was absolutely stunning. The cosmetics had only highlighted her already beautiful face and now she seemed to shine with a soft light. A pale pink lipstick made her lips shine and glisten and her eyebrows were perfectly smooth.

Like the relentless turning of the tide, they faced Osaka and demanded to be next in line. "Me! ME! No, do me next please!" the choir of girls cried out to her.

(Across the room, Ohyama got punched by several of his friends for trying to repeat his same stupid line one time too many.)

Miss Yukari opened the classroom door and walked in. "Sorry I'm a couple minutes late!" she said as the school chimes signaled the end of first period. She dropped her stack of books onto her desk with a thud. "Man, one little argument and she won't drive me to work. My feet are killing me. I had to stand for that bus for fifteen minutes, then that old guy grabbed my ass when I was getting off. I woulda smacked him one if he wasn't a senior citizen. Well, if I could have known which one it was. Of course it mighta been that cute guy. Heh heh. Yep, I still got it goin on," she grinned to no one in particular.

"Well, let's quit wasting time kids and get right to OH MY GOD!" she screamed, pointing at Chihiro's friend. She walked straight up to her and grabbed a braid in each hand, lifting the girl to a standing position. "What the hell happened to your face? Did you lose a fight? No? Is that make-up? Did you lose a bet? Oh, I know. Were you trying to put your make-up on in the dark while all hung over and a still little buzzed from the night before? Man I hate that. Oh quit crying and go wash your face."

She looked around at the class to assess the damages as the girl with braids scampered out the door in tears. "Wow, I show up five minutes late and the place goes to hell. What have you kids been doing?"

Chiyo said, "We were just experimenting a little with some make-up, that's all. It was very educational."

"Well, education is my middle name, so I am glad you kept hard at work while I was slightly delayed. So what was the deal with that whats-her-name then, some kind of experiment gone bad?"

"Um," Chiyo said, "I guess you could say that. See, that was when we first started and Osaka said..."

"_Osaka_?! Ah hahahahaha! Now it all makes sense. Osaka, did you put a little face paint on your friend today?"

"Yes, ma'am." Osaka replied.

"Girls, there is a right way to do some things, and a wrong way. I hope you all learned from Osaka's mistakes," Yukari said with her hands on her hips.

Tomo raised her hand and spoke up, "Miss Yukari? Actually, Osaka did the makeup on Sakaki. Check it out."

"WHAT? Not Sakaki!" The language teacher shot over to Sakaki's desk, where the tall student was leaning her head down in embarrassment from all the attention she had been receiving. "What did she do to you?"

Slowly, Sakaki lifted her eyes up to meet Miss Yukari's and her hair fell back from her face. Yukari dropped to her knees while grabbing Sakaki's hand and cried out, "OH MY GOD! Will you go out with me?"

Silence fell over the classroom as Yukari slowly realized her _slight_ error. She stood up, pulling Sakaki to her feet. "What I meant was, You WILL go out with me to the hall, young lady, for you have broken the dress code by wearing make-up in class. Go stand in the hall. Yeah. That's what I meant. Now go." she said while pointing.

As Sakaki stepped out into the hall, Yukari collapsed onto her desk and began fanning herself with a stack of papers. "Oh my god, she is so hot in here. I mean, _IT_ is so hot in here. Open a damn window somebody."

She leaned back in her seat and muttered to herself, "And here I always thought that Kaorin chick was a total freak. Thank God she wasn't here to see this. I think her head would have exploded."

Then she sat up straight and addressed the class, "Oh crap, before I forget: For those of you who don't know, this week is Career Week. We will be having a few visitors who will come into our classrooms and explain their profession. They may have a short speech or something prepared, they may have some little exhibit. I dunno. But once they are done, the floor is open for questions. Be polite or I'll bash you one, once they get outta sight.

"Some of you already know about this because I sent you all home last month with the invitations. A few of your parents have filled them out and will be coming to demonstrate or explain _their_ jobs for the class. In fact, one of them will be here tomorrow."

"Who?" Tomo asked while raising her hand.

"Uhhh, I forget. Lemme see." she shuffled through a stack of papers. "Oh yeah. Oujiro Kasuga. Osaka's dad."

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_**A/N -**_ In America, I had Career Day when I was in HS. Well, in Japan it's like whole final year of High School is geared toward entrance exams and choosing your career. I don't know if they have any one "Career Day" like we did, but I am making this stuff up as I go. So in this story, they have a week long event that has several different people presenting things about the workplace. Some will be obvious. "I am a bus driver. I drive a bus," and maybe hand out bus maps and stickers and such.

Other people will have... let us say... a bit stranger career choices. Now, which do you think Osaka's dad will be? Normal or strange?


	2. The Grape of Wrath

**Career Day! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.**

**Author's Notes:** I am just writing this story to take a little break in between chapters of my other main project. I got this idea a couple weeks back and it has just kept growing. Fear not, I shall be back on track with the other story soon, I just needed to change gears for a bit.

This is a piece of lighthearted insanity that has nothing to do with the events in my story Is This Love That I'm Feeling? Well, they are both Azumanga Daioh, but you know what I mean. Currently, I'm done with this at two chapters, but I could add on additional short story arcs later if I get bored.

**Warnings:** This chapter is rated for morbid conversation. A little swearing. Ohyama is a jerk because he is such a horn-dog. Any shoujo-ai-ness is just here for comedy, as this in not a romance story. Also rated for general naughtiness.

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**Chapter Two - The Grape of Wrath**

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Tomo was sewing during class. Normally she wouldn't even try, but the sleeve of her uniform had snagged on something and threatened to unravel. Fortunately her mother had given her a little sewing kit with a few needles and some thread to match her uniform, along with a couple spare buttons, just in case of moments like this. 

It wasn't a big job, just a few quick loops and done. She would ask her mom to fix it properly when she got home tonight. As she put away her sewing kit, she couldn't help but notice her lunch box and her tummy growled at her.

Tomo quietly opened her lunch box. Her mom had packed her a pretty good sized lunch today. In addition to the regular foods, her mom always included a side compartment with some kind of tasty fruit, because Tomo loved it. Today she had provided Tomo with a decent sized bunch of red grapes, Tomo's favorite kind.

She picked a couple off and popped them discretely in her mouth. Normally eating lunch early is no problem for a third year student, but not in the middle of class. And definitely not when there are guest speakers at the school.

Currently at the front of the class was a woman in an elaborate Kabuki costume explaining her work as a stage actress. She was the mother of one of the students in class 2-1 and the teachers had invited her to visit some different classrooms. Her costume and make-up were quite lively and it was a nice break for the students from hearing about office work from Salarymen. Class 3-3 was no different, they were enjoying her presentation and the whole class clapped for her when she did a little dance for her conclusion.

Chiyo Mihama was perhaps the most excited of all. Well, maybe it would be better to say that she was making no effort at containing it. She had a huge smile and sparkling eyes and she clapped most enthusiastically.

Even Miss Yukari had been entertained by this visitor. She remained seated in her chair by the window, leaving the front of the classroom available for the guests. However, she certainly enjoyed this visit, unlike the last office-worker-drone who described his boring work while Yukari fell asleep in her chair, until her head had tipped suddenly backward to bang against the glass window.

The open-question time was also quite lively, as several students put their hands up at once. The questions ranged from education requirements to training and pay. Others wanted to know about the costumes. Yomi asked if they got to travel much and the actress was happy to answer.

"The group I work with has done some traveling. Mostly in Japan, but last spring we were invited to perform in America. I personally didn't go, but the group did perform in several cities along the Western shore of America. Six times in California, once in Seattle, Washington and two performances in Portland, Oregon. I would have liked to have gone, but myself and a few others had family obligations here at home.

"Still, most of our work is done here in Japan. Tokyo is the best place for Kabuki theater, as Tokyo is the Kabuki capital of the world."

Tomo raised her hand, "Kabuki capital of the world? What do you mean?"

She laughed and said, "Tokyo is the number one city in the world for Kabuki, in number of theaters and performances. Every aspiring Kabuki actor or actress dreams of performing on the stages of the Kabuki-za in Ginza. I myself had a very small part in a performance there as a child, in the play Yoshitsune and the Thousand Cherry Trees . But that is what I meant by 'capital of the world'. Tokyo is the city for which Kabuki is most famous; other cities are perhaps famous for other things."

She glanced at the clock. "I'm sorry but I have to go now. They are expecting me in class 3-2 and I don't want to keep them waiting. Thank you for your time everyone."

The students rose and bowed to their visitor, who returned the bow and left with a smile and a wave.

They had a few minutes before the arrival of their next guest, so Yukari stood up and stretched. Several students followed her example, glad to get out of their chairs for a break.

Also they talked about the last visitor. While all the students agreed it was very cool, none of them really saw themselves pursuing a life of Kabuki acting. Tomo declared that she would do big screen movie acting as the new rising star of Japan if her ICPO career turned out to be too much work. When Chiyo tried to explain to Tomo that any kind of acting often involved long hours and hard work, Yomi said "Don't waste your energy Chiyo-chan. It goes in one ear and out the other, only stopping long enough for her to filter out what she wants to hear."

Chiyo said, "Yomi, that's kinda harsh, don't you think? I mean, yes Tomo does get enthusiastic about some things, but..."

Yomi put her hand on Chiyo's head. "Chiyo-chan, just trust me on this. Unless you would rather see an experiment first hand?"

"What kind of experiment?"

Yomi tapped lightly on Tomo's arm to get her attention. "Hey Tomo. Did you know that when the actress Masami Nagasawa went to Okinawa to film the movie Nada Sosa , in order to get from her hotel to the shoot location, she had to climb up steep hills and jump over swarms of snakes in the water?

Tomo turned around to face her, "Free trips to Okinawa and a cushy hotel! Now that's my style of living!" she said with a thumbs-up and grin.

Looking over her shoulder at Chiyo, Yomi shrugged. "She only heard half of everything I just said. What did I tell you?" She noticed Chiyo shaking in fear. "What's the matter?"

"Did... did she really?" Chiyo asked. "Did she have live snakes near her hotel? Which hotel was that, because I don't want to go there..."

Yomi sighed. "And you only heard the other half. Oh well." She petted Chiyo's head, making the pig-tails sway from side to side. "Don't worry, I made that up. There are no snakes to worry about." But the damage had already been done.

"No, that's not true!" Chiyo insisted. "We saw snakes swimming in the river when we were on Iriomote Island! So if they can swim..."

That was when Tomo caught on to something about snakes. "Oh yes, they can swim all right. In fact, I heard about a lady in a very fancy house right here in Tokyo that had a snake swim up out her toilet! While she was sitting on it! She was screaming for the police or animal control or even the JSDF to come save her. But it was too late. It was a cobra and it had bit her on the ass before she even knew it was there. Did you know that cobra venom kills it's victims in less than a thousandth of a second?"

Chiyo was quaking in fear of the story when Yomi smacked Tomo on the head. "That is the most bullshit story I have ever heard. Snakes don't live in sewers. Besides, if a cobra bit her before she spotted it, how could she call for help? I thought you said the poison killed in a split second?"

Tomo whacked her back, "They do so live in sewers. It's a wet humid environment with plenty of food, mainly rodents, meaning rats! What do you think snakes eat, huh? Rats! So we thank the snakes for eating the rats but the price we pay is some rich lady who gets bit on the ass!"

The two girls were now growling and grabbing each others cheeks. Chiyo was sobbing about snakes in her water pipes and Sakaki came over to see what the problem was. Kagura came over too, but only to cheer on the two fighting girls. "You go! Ooo, Tomo is gonna get her this time!"

Chihiro walked up, "No chance. 1000 yen says Yomi will kick her ass."

Yukari joined in, "I'll take a piece of that. 500 on the wildcat."

"Will you give me odds?" Chihiro asked.

Miss Yukari snorted a laugh, "In your dreams, little sister. GO TOMO!"

Unfortunately for those placing bets, the fight was rudely interrupted by the arrival of their next guest. Yukari said, "Dammit, just when it was getting interesting." She whacked both girls in the head with a rolled up sheaf of papers. "No fighting in the classroom! Do you want to disgrace this noble school and bring shame to us all? Now go take your seats."

Yukari went to the front of the class to greet this fellow in a gray business suit. As the guest turned away to face Yukari, Tomo bent over to pick up her fallen book bag and Yomi saw her chance to get back at Tomo for ten years of idiocy.

"Ohyama!" she hissed. And at the exact instant he looked over, Yomi grabbed the back of Tomo's skirt and gave it a lift up as high as it would go. There was Tomo's butt, covered in a pair of pink cotton panties. Tomo jumped forward to get out of Yomi's reach and gave an angry look at her. She didn't say anything out loud though, as the class was all getting back to their seats for the presentation of this new visitor. Yomi just gave her a smug look with the light glinting off her glasses.

Tomo got in her chair quickly and glared at Yomi. Vengeance will be mine! she said with her eyes.

Miss Yukari got everyone's attention and said, "Class, I'd like you all to welcome our next guest to our homeroom. This is Oujiro Kasuga, Osaka- er I mean, Ayumu's father. He is here to tell you a little about his profession."

The students were all quite surprised to hear what Osaka's dad did for a living. He was, in fact, a mortician.

The class had a lot of questions for him as Osaka smiled proudly at her daddy. The boys had questions ranging into the morbid and Mr. Kasuga did say that his work was "never what he would describe as pleasant" but rather that it was a necessary job that needed to be done.

Which brought the class around to discussing the differences in funeral customs in Japan from other countries around the world.

Tomo raised her hand and asked, "What is the mortician capital of the world?"

Mr. Kasuga looked over at her, "Excuse me? I'm not sure I understand the question."

"Our last visitor was a Kabuki actress. She said that Tokyo was the Kabuki capital of the world because this is the city with the most theaters of this kind. So what would be the mortician capital of the world?"

"Hmmm, interesting question. I suppose it would be whatever city has the highest death rate." He paused to scratch his head, "No, that's not right. Death rate is based on a percentage. So an extremely large city like Tokyo, Hong Kong, London or New York would probably have many more deaths per year than a much smaller city with a very high death rate."

He thought about it for a moment before concluding, "I am pretty sure that no city has ever stepped forward to lay claim to the dubious honor of being the Death Capital of the World. However I am fairly certain that barring war zones, it would have to be one of the biggest cities in the world. So Tokyo is in the running I suppose. Why? Do we win a trophy if we come in first place?"

Osaka made everyone in the room laugh when she said, "Oh, I got it! If we come in first place, then for all the survivors in Tokyo on New Years Day, Miss Yukari has to buy them all juice!"

Mr. Kasuga answered a few more questions, then he thanked everyone for their time and the class rose and bowed as he left.

Miss Yukari said, "We have twenty minutes before our last guest before lunch time, so if anyone wants to use the bathroom, go ahead. Otherwise, I'll be up here testing out my new video game so don't bug me unless you know some killer cheats on Chainsaw Rampage 3000 ."

Yomi said to Osaka, "I didn't know that is what your father did for a living."

Osaka nodded. "Yep. That's why our house has a building behind it. If you come up one side of the block it's our house. On the other street it's the mortuary. They are separate buildings but on the same lot facing away from each other."

Chiyo clarified, "So... you live behind a funeral home?"

"That's why we moved to Tokyo, cuz my dad bought this business and sold his previous one. Back in Osaka, we had a little apartment on the top floor above the mortuary. I like it better with a separate house like this. Plus, we now have a little bit of our own yard," she smiled.

Kagura said, "That's kinda creepy."

"Not when you get used to it," Osaka shrugged. "It's really just like any other business. Only my parents don't have so far to go to get to work."

Yomi asked, "Both your parents work there? Is your mom a mortician too?"

Osaka shook her head. "Nuh-uh. She is called a cosmetic technician. She does make-up and stuff. That is how my parents met, over a double homicide. Kinda romantic, huh?"

"Not really..." Kagura muttered.

Sakaki said, "Wait. You said your mom does make up?"

"Yeah"

"And yesterday, you put make up on me. You said your mom lets you practice sometimes? Do you mean..."

Osaka nodded. "I just had to pretend you was dead. Suicide, I figure. But you sure looked great, didn't ya?"

Sakaki turned blue.

Suddenly not so many of the girls were eager to have Osaka do their make up today.

-

During all this, Ohyama had written a note and had it passed by a couple classmates to Tomo. It read: "Pink is my new favorite color" with a heart next to it. Tomo faced him and waded the paper up into a ball so he could see it. He still grinned at her anyway.

Tomo peeled a grape while the others were talking. Flicking little bits of grape skin onto a tissue, she pondered her revenge against Yomi. Then it hit her.

She pulled out her sewing kit and ran a needle and thread through the grape, and then back again to make a loop. She tied it off in a knot so it would be about 30 centimeters long (that's about a foot, for the Yanks). On one end of the string was the grape, on the other she tied a hair clip that she had in her desk.

Quietly, she got up from her desk and walked over to the girls. She sat on the edge of the desk behind Yomi while the brunette was talking to Chiyo. Leaning forward, she clamped the hair clip onto Yomi's collar and dropped the grape down the back of her shirt.

Yomi turned around abruptly and demanded, "What are you doing?" She squirmed a bit as she felt something on her back.

"Dammit Yomi, now I dropped it. I wanted to show it to you."

"Show me what?"

"This thing I found on the floor. I think it fell out of Osaka's dad's pocket. Now I don't know where it is." Tomo leaned in to whisper quietly, "I think it was an eyeball."

Yomi jumped out her chair with a scream, clawing at her back. Tomo stepped back and said, "Oh, don't worry so much, I am sure it was just a leftover that he didn't need anymore." That only whipped Yomi into a greater frenzy.

Several other students quickly came over to see what Yomi's problem was, but they couldn't figure it out. She was spinning in circles, grabbing at the back of her shirt and screaming. Beneath the fabric of her shirt, the grape bounced up and down on its little bungee cord, suspended from Yomi's collar.

"Get it off! Get it off of me!" she screamed, as she began tearing at her blouse. Tomo quickly stepped up.

"Here, let me help. Hey, if there is an eye inside your clothes, no telling what it's going to look at, huh?" Tomo was quickly rewarded with a horrified wail.

"Wait, I see it!" Tomo said. "Stand still! I got it!" She arced her right arm far above her head and brought it swiftly down onto Yomi's back with a resounding smack. The grape was smashed in to oblivion onto Yomi's skin. The sudden burst splattered the juice all over her back.

Yomi felt a cold trickle of fluid run down her spine and her entire body shuddered. "Nooooooooo!" She quickly whipped off her shirt and threw it onto her desk.

Tomo said, "Oh check it out. I guess it was just a grape. By the way Yomi, nice tiger-stripe bra."

-

It turns out Tomo can run pretty fast when her life depends on it.

* * *

_**A/N –**_

_A foot for the Yanks:_ Don't take offense anybody. I am an American myself and I constantly find myself thinking in feet and inches, which doesn't work when you are writing about Japan, or frankly anywhere else on the planet. So I was taking a dig at myself and I hope any other Americans reading this take it with a sense of humor.

Well that's it for this story. I do have a couple other funny ideas bouncing around that don't fit into my main story I am writing and may or may not find their way here. So now this is out of my system I can get back to my other story and in the meanwhile, thanks for all the nice reviews. Please keep at your own stories as I have been enjoying so many of them very much!


	3. Chiyo's Father

**Career Day! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Azumanga Daioh.**

**Author's Notes:** I am just writing this story to take a little break in between chapters of my other main project. I got this idea a few weeks back and it just refuses to die quietly. Fear not, I shall be back on track with the other story soon, I just needed to change gears for a bit. (I really am working on it!)

This is a piece of lighthearted insanity that has nothing to do with the events in my story Is This Love That I'm Feeling? Well, they are both Azumanga Daioh, but you know what I mean.

Chapter three is a one-chapter story that should probably sit by itself in the corner. I could add on additional short story arcs later if I get bored.

**Warnings:** You should probably keep a bucket handy to scoop up your brains after they are melted from reading something this stupid. Any shoujo-ai-ness is just here for comedy, as this is not a romance story. Oh, and can you say "Random"? Yeah.

* * *

**Chapter Three - Chiyo's Father**

Miss Yukari walked into the classroom. "All right everyone. Take your seats. We will continue today with another parent who has come to tell us about his work. This morning we have as a very special guest, Chiyo Mihama's father. So be good and say hello."

She walked over to her chair by the window, but first she opened the window up wide. Immediately a large orange cat-like creature with flexible arms flew in. "Good morning every-nyaa" he said with a big smile.

All the students rose and bowed to the new visitor. "I am Chiyo's father," he explained. "I have made a special trip here today to discuss career paths with you and mention some possible job opportunities that you may not have heard about yet."

Miss Yukari smiled at the visitor, then pulled out a large inflatable shark. Curling up in her chair, she hugged the shark and fell asleep, quietly sucking her thumb.

From somewhere behind himself, Mr. Mihama produced a large red hat that he placed on his head, apparently tailor made to fit over his gigantic cat ears. "I am Santa Claus. In my line of work, we are always looking for new employees, either in the toy construction industry or in the sleigh-pulling field."

Osaka raised her hand, "Don't ya have ta be a reindeer to pull the sleigh?"

Santa said sadly, "As global warming continues to reduce reindeer herd sizes, we have to stay ahead of the curve and come up with alternatives. Therefore, I have an extra pair of antlers and specialty roof-gripping snow boots for any interested applicants. Male or female. We have no sexual discrimination when it comes to dragging multi-ton objects through the sky."

All the students were of course dressed in their school uniforms. Except for Tomo Takino who was wearing a green camo-print bikini. However, no one seemed to notice this (except for one person). Tomo got up from her chair and began doing stretching exercises.

Santa continued without paying any attention to this new development. "I am very happy to announce that we have decided to open a branch office on the South Pole this year, to reduce travel times and improve global service, especially to Australia, most of Africa, and the Asia-Pacific rim, including Japan," he said with a smile.

"Excuse me," Sakaki asked, "but since Japan is so far north of the equator, isn't it still better time-service to get here from the North Pole?"

Mr. Mihama began changing to shades of blue and red as he vibrated back and forth, "Are you saying my diversification plan might be an error?"

"Uhh, no! I just meant that Japan is farther north than any of those other places. I'm not sure if it would save any time to come from the South Pole for us. Uhhh... I'm sorry."

"No, that is quite all right. It's just that this is such a good plan. Would it be easier to push Japan farther south?"

He suddenly reverted to his "normal" color as a new thought hit him. "Oh! Perhaps this would make up the difference. You must see the new uniforms we have invented for all the new South Pole employees. Chiyo, would you be so good as to come up and model this for us?"

"Of course!" she said with a smile and jumped up to the front of the class. She was now wearing a blue penguin suit.

"You see? Every new employee will have their very own penguin uniform."

Tomo was now doing cartwheels along the edge of the classroom, still in her swimsuit. "Oh Santa? I thought all of Santa's helpers were elves or something."

"Yes, that's true. But I decided to go for Penguins on the South Pole and Elves in the North. That way no one gets confused."

He suddenly smiled, "The pay is very generous, and since it is all paid for by the government, you will be offered the finest of government employee benefits. Free ice water and an all-expense paid ski trip to Hokkaido!"

Tomo jumped up onto the teachers desk and continued performing her stretching exercises there. "What about dental insurance plans?" she asked.

"Don't be silly," he replied, "Everyone knows that penguins are birds, and birds don't have teeth. However, every Tuesday each employee is entitled to all the kippers they can eat." Chiyo held up a big metal bucket of fish.

Tomo attempted to do some toe-touching stretches while standing on the desk but lost her balance on the first try, which sent her crashing to the ground. Mr. Mihama said, "Well class, I am afraid that's all the time I have today. So be good little boys and girls. Remember, I can see you when you're sleeping and see when your awake. I am watching all the time. Especially you," he pointed at Sakaki with a wink.

As he flew back out the window, Tomo began running down the aisle (yes, that is the classroom aisle, not the isle. If I said isle, that would be running across Japan, right?). Where was I? Ok, Tomo went running between rows of desks and jumped flying into the air, throwing her legs out wide to leap over Yomi's desk as if it were a vaulting box. She landed sitting on the desktop with one bare foot on either side of the back of Yomi's chair, trapping her in place. With a mischievous grin, she handed her startled friend a brown plastic bottle.

"Could you rub some suntan lotion on my legs? I just don't seem to be able to reach them today."

-

_Yomi woke up with a start and looked around her darkened bedroom. What the hell kind of dream had that been?_

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**A/N -** Does this chapter really need any? Wow, my brain hurts. 


End file.
